Eight

Wow, it has been 8 years since Stephanie passed away. What a whirlwind it has been. I often think about how different things in my life would be if she was still here. I know for a fact we would still be best of friends. We weren’t the kind that would go through a phase and just drift apart. We both put a lot into our friendship and were really close. I don’t remember ever having a “fight” and if we did, it was obviously about something stupid because I don’t remember it.

I have a lot of regrets when it comes to her passing. I absolutely love her parents. They were the most caring, generous people and seriously treated me like I was one of their own. After Steff died, they gave me her diamond cross. That is my most treasured item and even her green Juicy purse (I am currently using it right now) reminds me of her every time I look at it.  I told her parents I would be there for them and never forget about them. I didn’t forget about them, even though it sometimes seems that way. It’s actually the opposite. I think about them all the time. It is just so difficult for me to be around them sometimes. As I have gone through life changes, it kills me inside that they have to watch everyone get married, have kids, become grandparents, etc. I know that I am more than likely over thinking the situation. I just remember getting engaged, and calling her mom. I was scared almost. I knew she was going to be happy for me, but at the same time, I knew that it would remind her of something that she didn’t get to experience with Steff. I don’t think I called her when I got pregnant with Mac, and I know I didn’t when I got pregnant with Wiley. Same feeling. I knew she would be happy, but I didn’t want to make her have to think about what she was going to miss. I thankfully work with her stepmom, and it has been great getting to know that she does “know” things about me because it gets passed along. I tell Joy things hoping she will tell Steffs parents. I wish so badly that I had the relationship with them where I could just pop in with the boys and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I know if I did pop in they would love it. I honestly need to have a big cry fest with them. When I do see them in public, its just that, in public and its just the normal “how are you” type thing.  I would really love some one on one time with them again where we can just vent/cry/laugh, etc.  I acknowledge that I am being completely selfish in my thinking because it sounds like it is all about me. I think my selfishness could also be translated though as being overly sensitive. Hopefully as the years go on, this selfishness/sensitiveness will fade and things can go back to how things where when Steff was here.